Many of you know in high school i struggled with severe body dysmorphia and eating disorders. During that time, my idea of a perfect body was someone who was stick skinny. Girls who were skinny were assumed to be beautiful, happy, and successful. This idea that being skinny would solve all of my problems was engrained in me because being skinny was constantly being glorified. Glorified by the media, family, and friends who shared the same mindset as me.
Because of that mindset, I felt so much pressure to perform and over perform. Not only did I have to be skinny, but I had to be sick to feel good about myself. I always felt I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't skinny enough, meaning I wasn't beautiful, smart or happy enough. My self worth was based on a number; how much I weighed and how many calories I consumed/burned. I would reward myself for not eating and encourage myself by looking at other girls who were skinnier than me.
I remember being so sick that I couldn't eat for a couple days and I was constantly throwing up. I stepped on the scale and I had lost a few pounds. Its so sad that I was so happy that I had lost weight from being so sick. I wished ill upon my body and I had no respect for my body.
Fast forward to now, I'm consumed by this fitness community who preaches strong not skinny or, strength is beauty. Can you imagine how relieved I was to be surrounded by people who didn't care about how much I weighed or how skinny I was?
I thought I had finally broken free of this obssession of obtaining the perfect body. Little did I know I became more consumed in it. It is so great that this new life I live embraces different shapes and sizes, but there's also a new image for what the "perfect" body looks like. The perfect body is someone with a big butt, toned arms and legs. There's a lot of emphases on being strong is the new skinny!
Coming from a past of struggling with body image, these words sound no different from "your legs aren't skinny enough", or "your stomach isn't flat enough." Having more muscle tone, or embracing thicker thighs is great, but it starts to become the perfect body that I now have to strive for or I won't be beautiful, happy or successful.
I'm not starving myself or binging and purging to be skinny, but I'm now constantly worried that my body doesn't fit this standard of beauty in the fitness community. My self worth was based on is my butt big enough? Are my arms toned enough? Does it look like I workout? I spent hours at the gym over working myself because I wasn't strong enough or I didn't look "fit" enough. Is that not the same as starving myself?
Not only is photoshop used to slim a figure down for the cover of a magazine, but it's used to make someones butt look rounder, or arms more bigger, or abs more defined. People are now worried about this new perfect body that they would photoshop for. It's the same thing.
I find myself staring at myself for hours in the mirror still constantly comparing myself to others. I become mentally and physically exhausted because now I'm holding myself up to a new standard and now I have to perform and over perform.
The perfect body is a body that can wake up every morning and go to work or go to school. It's the body that can see, talk and think. I wake up every morning blessed to have arms that work and legs that can move. I'm blessed that I'm able to do what I love and enjoy life without any disabilities.
The perfect body is mine. And the perfect body is also yours.
