The Perfect Body

I feel like I've struggled to answer this question because the answer has changed so many times. And I'm now realizing there is no answer, because there is no perfect body. There's only this image that the media portrays as the perfect body that we compare ourselves to.

Many of you know in high school i struggled with severe body dysmorphia and eating disorders. During that time, my idea of a perfect body was someone who was stick skinny. Girls who were skinny were assumed to be beautiful, happy, and successful. This idea that being skinny would solve all of my problems was engrained in me because being skinny was constantly being glorified. Glorified by the media, family, and friends who shared the same mindset as me. 

Because of that mindset, I felt so much pressure to perform and over perform. Not only did I have to be skinny, but I had to be sick to feel good about myself. I always felt I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't skinny enough, meaning I wasn't beautiful, smart or happy enough. My self worth was based on a number; how much I weighed and how many calories I consumed/burned. I would reward myself for not eating and encourage myself by looking at other girls who were skinnier than me. 

I remember being so sick that I couldn't eat for a couple days and I was constantly throwing up. I stepped on the scale and I had lost a few pounds. Its so sad that I was so happy that I had lost weight from being so sick. I wished ill upon my body and I had no respect for my body. 

Fast forward to now, I'm consumed by this fitness community who preaches strong not skinny or, strength is beauty. Can you imagine how relieved I was to be surrounded by people who didn't care about how much I weighed or how skinny I was? 

I thought I had finally broken free of this obssession of obtaining the perfect body. Little did I know I became more consumed in it. It is so great that this new life I live embraces different shapes and sizes, but there's also a new image for what the "perfect" body looks like. The perfect body is someone with a big butt, toned arms and legs. There's a lot of emphases on being strong is the new skinny! 

Coming from a past of struggling with body image, these words sound no different from "your legs aren't skinny enough", or "your stomach isn't flat enough." Having more muscle tone, or embracing thicker thighs is great, but it starts to become the perfect body that I now have to strive for or I won't be beautiful, happy or successful. 

I'm not starving myself or binging and purging to be skinny, but I'm now constantly worried that my body doesn't fit this standard of beauty in the fitness community. My self worth was based on is my butt big enough? Are my arms toned enough? Does it look like I workout? I spent hours at the gym over working myself because I wasn't strong enough or I didn't look "fit" enough. Is that not the same as starving myself? 

Not only is photoshop used to slim a figure down for the cover of a magazine, but it's used to make someones butt look rounder, or arms more bigger, or abs more defined. People are now worried about this new perfect body that they would photoshop for. It's the same thing.

I find myself staring at myself for hours in the mirror still constantly comparing myself to others. I become mentally and physically exhausted because now I'm holding myself up to a new standard and now I have to perform and over perform.  

The perfect body is a body that can wake up every morning and go to work or go to school. It's the body that can see, talk and think. I wake up every morning blessed to have arms that work and legs that can move. I'm blessed that I'm able to do what I love and enjoy life without any disabilities. 

The perfect body is mine. And the perfect body is also yours. 

365 days bulimia free.

I don't think anyone would have guessed that I would have had an eating disorder.
I've been wanting to share this for a while now but never really got the courage to. I decided to share it today not for sympathy or praise, but to help anyone going through something similar. I know how hard it is to deal with this alone.

I grew up in a very small town and I was the only korean american. It was hard for me to figure out who I was and where I belonged. I had plenty of friends but I still felt very alone. I didn't think they could ever understand what I was going through. My home life wasn't perfect either. My mom was always working so the only time I saw her was at night before she went to sleep. I remember being really angry at my dad and holding a grudge, still to this day, for never being there for me. He was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. My family isn't the affectionate type. I really don't remember the last time I told anyone I loved them. I don't even remember the last time I hugged my parents. So growing up, my parents never told me they were proud of me or showed me much affection. I became very insecure. I spent a good 16 years, doing everything i could to hear my parents tell me they were proud of me.
At that young age, I couldn't understand why my dad couldn't just stop drinking and why my mom couldn't make time to spend with me. I longed for their attention and I never got it. I started searching for that attention and affection elsewhere. I held on to unhealthy relationships and my happiness depended on a boy. I would rather be in a terrible relationship, unhappy, than be alone. I had no confidence and a low self esteem. I needed a guy to tell me I was pretty or that they wanted to be with me, for me to feel good.
I remember going through a breakup, losing my best friend, and fighting with my parents. I thought that if I was skinny, more guys would like me, I'd have more friends, and my parents would love me.
At 12 years old I already had been on over 10 diets. I started skipping dinner, then lunch, then I barely ate at all. The summer before my first year of high school I dropped 30lbs. Everyone complimented me and my family members would praise how skinny I was. I loved the attention, I wanted to lose more weight. During my freshman year of high school I kept a food log and counted all of my calories. I allowed myself 500 calories a day.
Breakfast: apple
Lunch: a few carrots and cucumbers
Dinner: salad
If I ate more than 500 calories i would starve myself the next day. I became obsessed with food and it consumed every second of my life. I started obsessively exercising and running until I physically couldnt move anymore. People would tell me how skinny I was but all i saw was fat. I was miserable. But being skinny was more important.

My bulimia started sophomore year of high school. I was at a restaurant with my family and I remember just indulging myself. I ate till I was sick. I was disgusted with myself. I remember reading pro ana blogs (blogs that encourage anorexia and bulimia) that taught me how to forcefully throw up. I got home that night and stuck my fingers down my throat and threw everything up. The second I knew I could throw my food up, and i was capable of doing it, I never stopped. I stopped starving myself, and I started eating everything I could because I knew I could throw it up later. I threw up so many times a day, everyday. I became so good at it, I could throw up without sticking anything down my throat. I used to avoid being with my friends and family because I couldn't eat anything, but I started purging in restaurant bathrooms or at friend's houses. It got so bad, I started to purge blood and my throat would swell up. I would get severe fevers that lasted for days. I didn't care though. The pain was worth the compliments. The pain was worth being a size 0.

Eating disorders slowly become your life and it consumes every part of you. You start to push your friends away and your family away. You begin to isolate yourself. I thought that I could stop purging whenever I wanted, but it had control over me. I hated myself. I skipped school a lot because of all the temptations. Some days I didn't want to get up in the morning because I didn't want to go through the cycle of binging and purging. I didn't want to be alive to be honest. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help.

November 17 2013 was the day I decided to stop everything and take control of my life. I was sick of being miserable. I was sick of hating myself. I was sick of being sick. I wanted to know what it felt like to be happy. I feel very blessed to have gotten over a disease like this on my own. Not many people can. This disease kills so many people who don't ask for help. I thought I was alone and I thought nobody understood the pain I was going through. But there are so many girls and guys going through the same thing. It was around this time I found Guerrilla or should I say Guerrilla found me haha. I don't even know how I found guerrilla fitness but i dont care, I'm glad I did. It helped me realize I was stronger than I thought. I wanted to get better and be better so I started eating more. I started caring more about my performance goals and started to care less about my appearance and weight. I wanted to look strong and be strong.

Everyday is still a struggle. I can easily go back into old habits. I surrounded myself with so many people who love and support me. I'm happy. I realized I don't need a guy to tell me how much i'm worth. I don't need anyone else's approval. Im proud myself and that's all that matters. I love who I am and who I've become. All the blessings around me remind me to stay strong and never relive the past.